The story of THE POWERFUL PAUSE
Learning how to pause did not come naturally. I spent most of my life being a slave to my emotions.
Yoga was the first step in the direction of slowing down and It's no surprise that the class I started with was a Shiva Rea hot and sweaty class. I did every chataranga and NEVER opted for child's pose. I practiced yoga to shut off my mind, not to understand it and definitely NOT to quiet it. Everything I "used" to obliterate my thoughts; exercise, yoga, drugs, alcohol, relationships AKA drama, shopping, the list goes on, eventually stopped working. Meaning eventually everything I used and abused to alter myself stopped blotting out my mind and escaping was no longer an option.
In 12 step programs they say that with every year of sobriety we gain another second of pause. So, on my best day, I have a 5 second window where I can choose between reacting to something thoughtfully or not. On a bad day I revert back to my old self, sending an email I will regret, pushing send on a text that will cause harm or saying words that I will have to take back.
My teacher, Carrie Owerko was the first person who taught me about The Pause. I'm sure others tried to get me to pause but I finally heard it with Carrie. Pause before lowering one knee down before the other. Pause before talking to my friend in class as a way to get out of a moment of discomfort. She taught me about the 24 hour email rule. When I receive an email that upsets me I pause. I wait. Then I respond. It's so simple and it's MAGIC.
A few months ago I designed a t-shirt honoring The Pause. I sold a few, gave most of them away and then moved on to another project. For the last five months I have been involved in a horrible legal battle. I don't want to get into the details but I will say it includes deep betrayal, the resurfacing of my family tragedy and the potential loss of something valuable to me.
I have had to hire two different lawyers and as this continues I am in getting deeper into debt and I'm risking what meager savings I have.
Asking for help is challenging. I called two of my best friends, Chrissy and Paula for advice the other day. I could not stop crying, I felt inconsolable and helpless. I needed to ask for help and I hated it. I never want to need anything or anyone. "I've got this" has been my M.O. Even after years of self study and surrendering and eating a lot of humble pie, I STILL suck at asking for help.
What am I getting at? My lawyer says I take too long to get to the point so I'll get to it. I need your help.
I made more PausePaws tee shirts; American Apparel in all sizes in pink, grey and white, Men's sizes in grey and white. I also made tote bags. The shirts are $25 and the bags are $10. The money will go to my legal fees, which have become very steep. I take cash, checks, Venmo, PayPal and even credit cards - all you need to do is email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
The end is in sight and I have learned an invaluable lesson. Thank all of you so much for your support. And Chrissy Carter thank you again for reminding me that "all moments of intensity eventually end."